Football, Whisky and Deep Fried Mars Bars

24 May 2022

Strangely enough, Glasgow was the first place in Britain we found a decent coffee. Something to celebrate. It seems they were across the idea of a long black so we didn’t have to have one of those ridiculous Americanos or muck around adding water to an espresso. However, the bacon and egg rolls, containing bacon ✅ and scrambled eggs ❌ were disappointing. I guess we can’t have everything. 

My boys, let’s face it, are decent people. And they were keen for me (and them) to go to see one of the distilleries at which scotch whisky is made. Dan booked tickets to a tour of the Glengoyne distillery on the southern edge of the highlands. But more of this later.

Hampden Park

Having been to the ‘spiritual home’ of English football, Wembley, it was only right, given that we were in Glasgow, that we should first go to the spiritual home of Scottish football, Hampden Park. We booked a tour for 11 am. Arriving a little early, we got to take in the grandeur of the place from the outside. The tour began dead on time and our guide was an affable gentleman named Blair, a Queen's Park supporter. It was only after the tour finished that I realised that we had hardly covered any physical ground. We were taken to both dressing rooms (Celtic and Rangers) and to the liminal space between and then out onto the ground. I should say the edge of the ground because we weren’t allowed on the actual turf. We were given some fascinating history of the ground and told about its special and weird moments. If you get to Glasgow, it’s well worth doing.

Above: The boys got to show off their kicking skills with a contraption that measures the speed (MPH) at which the ball left their feet. I've managed to lose the video of my attempt.

Robert Harvey and the boys at Hampden Two,
Cathkin Park. Note the terracing and crush bars

The site of Hampden One. 
"The spiritual home of world football" (Ged O'Brien)

But the real treat came at the end of the tour. Robert Harvey, an associate of the tour guide, realised that I had a deep interest in football history and asked me if I wanted him to take us all to the older Hampden grounds. I couldn’t believe the offer and of course I said yes. The old Hampden grounds are not that far away but they are hidden in both geographical and archaeological senses. Hampden One was situated on the site of the present-day Hampden Bowling Green. Archaeological work has revealed that the ground was situated at an angle to the Bowling Green and has been almost completely obliterated. Robert then took us to the second Hampden, Cathkin Park, a ground that was used by Third Lanark after Queen’s Park moved to the present Hampden  and is still used by the Jimmy Johnstone Academy. Once holding up to 50,000 spectators it is now a shadow. The terraces and crash barriers remain in parts of the ground though they are covered with trees, undergrowth and weeds.

It's a pity we didn't have time to visit Lesser Hampden, built on the old Clincart Farm adjacent to Hampden Three where recently, the original farmhouse-cum-pavilion was demolished -- a shame for all of those who care about football history (see Ged O'Brien's comments on the matter). Robert returned us to the Merc and after my effusive expressions of gratitude for his brilliant generosity it was time to learn how whisky was made.

AU$2 million worth of whisky
in these barrels

The narrowing roads and the stone fences told us that we were in a different, older part of the world. We arrived at Glengoyne distillery a little ahead of time and so took the opportunity  to look around informally. I did a cheeky price check comparing the distillery prices to the Dan Murphy prices in Australia and I was disappointed to see that there was no saving to be made buying whisky on site. Nonetheless we enjoyed the tour. And we learnt some interesting facts about the process of whisky making. For example, the ingredients of whisky are pretty simple: water, barley, yeast, admittedly of the highest quality. The technicalities of the making were also interesting but I am unable to convey them well here. We were taken to a storeroom where the barrels were kept and we were shown four barrels of 50-year-old whisky. After some quick maths I worked out at the contents of those four barrels were worth about AU$1 million.

In the end we did a tasting and were given some useful drinking information. First rule: never put ice into single Malt whisky. Second rule: if you want water only use a smidgen. So I’ve been right all along.

The boys were keen to see some of the lochs after the distillery. Dan set a course for Loch Lomond which wasn’t all that far away. We parked the car and wandered down to the water for a few photos. Looking the other way was a fairly high mountain/hill and I wonder if that was Ben Lomond. Anyway, I took some photos and here they are.

Balloch's finest

But the true holy grail of our journey was not far away. Driving alongside Loch Lomond we came to the small town of Balloch and we noticed a fish and chip shop. Might we find there an example of the mysterious deep fried Mars bar? We went inside and indeed we did. Each of us ordered a deep fried Mars bar lathered with raspberry sauce. That’s one thing we don’t ever have to do again. The women serving is recognised that we were Australians and had a laugh about that. I wonder if Australians seeking deep fried Mars bars is something of a repeated occurrence for them.

Back to Glasgow, where we had organised to meet up with an Australian, Dwayne Mulroy in a pub about 2 miles from where we were staying. In order to reinforce my silly-old-man status I organised an Uber but accidentally sent us on the way to Celtic Park. Once we realised that we were going the wrong way we pulled up and got out of the Uber and had to wait for another one. The boys were in hysterics and I was just about losing my temper. I calmed down and we got in the next Uber that took us to meet Dwayne.

Dwayne’s a Melbourne victory supporter who works for a Scottish Premier League club. We had an awesome night with him and, much to my pleasure, my sons really enjoyed his company. Dwayne was full of interesting facts and analysis. One of his beliefs is that Scottish football (if not football in general) would benefit from a salary cap. The Rangers/Celtic oligarchy will not wither without it. At least that’s my gloss on Dwayne’s position.

He very generously gave me a copy of Jeff Webb’s Scotland's lost clubs as a parting gift. I really hope our paths cross again.

By the time we left the pub, hunger pains had re-emerged and when the cab dropped us off we found a late night kebab-ish shop. As if to outdo the health benefits received from the deep fried Mars bars, we ordered a bunch of deep fried things served in a pizza box. We ate with a relish we will be paying for for a good while yet.

We got to bed. I snored. So it goes.

For more information on the three Hampdens the Hampden Collection  and Ged O'Brien's site are great starts.